Two Pink Lines

Two of them. Okay, one was light, but it was still there. So, two of them.

I am so scared. I am so afraid that this one is going to turn out like the last one. I am dreading the phone call from the doctor telling me that the HCG levels aren't growing like they're supposed to. I am freaking out everytime I go to the bathroom, hoping not to see telltale signs in my underwear. I want to rejoice in this, but I can't bring myself to do it.

And, I am scared about a second kid. Some days having just S alone is too much for me to handle with grace and aplomb. I mean, there are days that I lose my shit and yell at her. I hate that I do it, but there it is -- it happens on occasion. Am I really qualified, prepared, or cut out for two of them? Because you have one, does that automatically qualify you to have two? I am not sure.

I wanted this. I want this, I do. I am just freaked about about getting it. A little tiny part of me is rejoicing, but it's being drowned out by the huge part of me wringing its hands and worrying out loud.