Random Domesticity

I don't have any real theme for today's post; I just have a series of random thoughts.

Is it totally pathetic that I am ridiculously excited to play hookey from mommy-hood today? I am going with a couple of my mommy friends to lunch and a matinee movie SANS kids! Woo-hoo! Obviously, I love my daughter, but she's in a particularly clingy phase these days. Even now as I type, she's here yelling, "Up-oo, Mamma. Up-oo!". In other words, "Mom, I want to sit in your lap". So, I am typing with a 30lb 20-month old in my lap. Sooo, it will be kinda nice to have a couple of hours in which I have my lap to myself.

Warning: I am about to enter the gushing Mamma zone for a minute here. If you're sickened by mothers' tales of their offsprings' incredibly cute antics, this is not the paragraph for you. Please feel free to skip ahead. Okay, anyway I have to say that at each stage of S's development, I think that she's at the cutest one yet. Right now her communication skills are really starting to blossom -- she's been putting together rudimentary sentences and even using pronouns (apparently a concept that is fairly sophisticated for children first learning language skills). At the playground, she'll stand at the top of the slide and yell at the top of her lungs, "Mamma, I big girl!". Too cute. However, she doesn't quite get all of the rules of pronoun usage. For instance, she loves it when I hide and then jump out yelling, "Boo!". Her response every time is, "I scared me!". Every day brings a new language gaffe that is so adorable -- I have to remember to write them down so that I don't forget them when she's older and her language skills are full of different kinds of interesting nuances (such as, "Mom, why can't I take the car?! That's bull@$*&!").

I pride myself on being a pretty good cook -- I love to eat which is generally half the battle, I believe. Well, my best friend T hails from New Orleans and cooks a mean red beans and rice. Last night I used her recipe and attempted my own red beans and rice. Let's just say that it wasn't my finest showing in the kitchen. Where hers was creamy, mine was pasty. Where hers had a beautiful rich dark red color, mine was more of a sickening brown. Mine looked like refried beans -- which are tasty, but there is a reason that you generally hide them in a tortilla. They just don't look that appetizing. R insisted that it was very tasty (smart man), but I just wasn't very happy about it. I think that next time I will use some slightly different ingredients and make sure to add more water while it simmers. I think that tonight I'll try to redeem myself with one of my old stand-by recipes.

Oh and my final thought for now: is Britney Spears really pregnant again?!? Does anyone else think that's a bad idea on so many levels?

Wallowing

Well, despite my best intentions, I couldn't wait until Sunday to take another pregnancy test. I took one this morning and big surprise, it was negative. Try as I might, I could not detect anything that could possibly be considered a second pink line. I think it's pretty safe to say that I am not pregnant -- given that my period is due tomorrow, I am pretty sure that I would have seen even a very faint line if I were pregnant.

I can't express how bummed I am right now. All I can think about is how easy it is for other folks to get pregnant (like my friends M and T). And, each time I get back a negative test or get my period, the sadness of the miscarriage washes over me again. I keep thinking about how far along in that pregnancy I would be by now (just over the halfway mark).

So, I guess I'll give my doctor a call this week and talk about next steps -- tests, meetings with fertility doctors, etc. He and I talked about this before, but it's time to get new info.

Until then, I'll have a drink at dinner tonight and continue to wallow in my own crapulence...

Okay, let's try this again...

I've been reading all of these wonderful blogs lately and checking out some great podcasts, and I've felt like I really want to start contributing to my own blog again. I think I may need to get over my own perfectionists tendencies -- I am so reticent to publish something that isn't wonderfully witty, insightful, or well-composed that I don't publish anything. Which is really funny because I am certain that I am the only one reading this anyway! But, I am going to put my fears of mediocrity aside and try again with this blog.

So, some of the blogs I've been reading lately have to do with secondary infertility. That is, infertility in folks who have already had a first child, but are having a tough time getting pregant (or staying pregnant) with #2. I am not even sure if our situation could be considered secondary "infertility" -- I haven't gotten an "infertile" diagnosis. But, we are trying for #2 and having a tough time with it. I had heard a bunch of stories about women being super fertile after a miscarriage, successfully acheiving conception the first or second cycle after a miscarriage. So, naturally after our miscarriage in December, I was expecting to get pregnant again right away. Well, here we are three cycles later and still not pregnant.

At least, I don't think we're pregnant. Right now I am experiencing some spotting and I am not sure if it's due to implantation or if it's just the start of my period. Both times I've been pregnant, I had spotting about 10 days after ovulation. However, I also spot a day or so before I get my period. I started spotting on Wednesday and took a pregnancy test (well, actually two of them) which was of course negative. Now I've had light spotting for three days and I have no idea what is going on. I don't want to take another pregnancy test because I don't want to face the disappointment. Plus, my period isn't due until Sunday. If I take a test today and it's negative, I'll be disappointed, but I will still have a glimmer of doubt in my mind, thinking that perhaps it's too early for the test to detect the HCG. Then, if I get my period on Sunday, I'll be disappointed TWICE. So, I am just planning to wait to see if I get it on Sunday -- if not, then I'll take a test.

And, if it's negative on Sunday, then I guess we're back to trying again...

The Heavy Lifting

Wow, I can't believe it has been six weeks since I last wrote. The summer has just flown by with not much happening -- I honestly can't say that anything spectacular kept me from writing. Perhaps that's it -- nothing spectacular happened, and thus I didn't feel compelled to write. There was really nothing to report.

Well, now I feel like writing. Two things have really been occupying my thoughts for the past 24 hours: New Orleans and cancer. They seem like two pretty incongruent things until you realize that both concern very close friends of mine.

My best friend Ti is from New Orleans; she lives in Nashville now, but most of her family still lives back in the greater New Orleans area. My family was on vacation, so I didn't pay a lot of attention to Hurricane Katrina until all of a sudden there were images on TV of New Orleans under double-digit feet of water. The realization that Ti's family was likely affected by this didn't dawn on me all at once, but rather washed over me as I began to understand the implications for her elderly great-aunt living alone in Metarie or her dad in his house on the shores of Lake Pontchartrain. It turns out that her family was able to get out of the city safely, but they can truly be considered refugees now. Their homes and business were badly damaged, if not completely destroyed, and it will be months and months before they're able to rebuild. In the meantime, they're staying with Ti, her husband, and their two toddlers. And in being able to flee the city with their lives, Ti's family can truly be considered the lucky ones...

The footage of people stranded in New Orleans has been heartwrenching, appalling, and maddening. These poor, wretched souls are left without basic human necessities like food and water. They are literally living among their dead. Babies have no food, diapers, or clean water. The elderly are suffering the effects of the elements, dehydration, and malnutrition. There is no potable water supply and NO HELP IN SIGHT! And this is in America!! This enrages me! This tragedy has been going on for four days now -- why hasn't our federal government air-dropped supplies to the folks in the Convention Center and SuperDome? Why haven't we mobilized our troops to go in there, restore order, and provide humanitarian aid? I'll tell you two reasons why our response has been so slow: 1) we're tying up too many of our resources in Iraq where we're unwanted and unsuccessful, and 2) those left behind to suffer in New Orleans are largely black and poor. There is no reason why citizens of the world's richest and most powerful country should be suffering like this and receive such a dwadling response from our federal government.

So, I thank God that Ti's family is safe and healthy. I wish all of them continued strength. I know the next few months will be incredibly difficult, but they will be spending them counting their blessings rather than bemoaning their losses.

As for cancer, I have been thinking about my friend Jen who is undergoing chemotherapy for a rare form of sarcoma. I don't know any other way to express my feelings about this than to say that this sucks. What are the chances that cancer hits two women in a small circle of friends before they're forty? Well, it did. First me, then Jen. In some odd way, I thought that my experience with cancer would mean that none of my friends would have to get it. I know it doesn't make sense rationally, but it's the kind of irrational rationalization that we do, "Well, if I got cancer, the odds are that my friends won't get it, so I got it out of the way for all of us. Okay, I've got cancer covered, can someone else take on infertility? How about divorce? Anyone?" I mean, it makes no sense, but these are the kinds of things that we tend to think. Anyway, Jen underwent surgery in March, and we were hoping that she could keep the cancer at bay and not have to undergo chemo. Well, it turns out that a recent test showed that the cancer was back and they decided to start chemo. Having the perspective of a cancer/chemo survivor, I know in exactly how many ways chemo sucks. And I am so sorry that anyone I know, much less love, has to go through with it. But, my friend Jen is a testament to the human spirit. Even before the whole cancer thing intruded into her life, she was one of the most effervescent, upbeat, positive people I have ever met. She is one of those folks who collects friends wherever she goes because people just love being around her. And bless her, that attitude has not changed even in the face of cancer. She starts her second round of chemo next week, and I pray that it goes as well as the first, and that she is able to continue working and exercising as she did after her first round. But, even if she gets down physically, I expect her to stay up mentally. And if she can't, I promise to help with the heavy lifting of her spirits.

There's No Place Like Home

Phew! It has been a whirlwind two weeks. Where shall I begin?

Well, I am officially a SAHM. My last day at work was odd, but in a good way. I keep likening it to graduating high school or college: on one hand, I was really excited about what lay ahead, but on the other hand, I was definitely nostalgic for what I was leaving behind. My team had a little party for me and all said some really nice things. I am leaving a great set of colleagues who I certainly admire and respect. I know that even if I do go back to work one day, I'll never encounter a group of people like this again.

So, the day after my last day of work, my husband, daughter and I all boarded a plane to go back East for a week. We had a great time celebrating July 4th and my mom's 60th birthday. We spent much of the week at the Jersey shore which was Sofia's introduction to the beach. She loved the water, but wasn't sure about the sand. And, the boardwalk was her "scene" -- as we strolled down the boardwalk, she waved at all the other kids to strolled or walked by her. It was hilarious!

It's funny, but I really think that on this trip she turned the corner from infanthood to toddlerhood. All of a sudden, her cognitive skills have transformed and she is able to grasp so many new concepts. Now when I mention the name of objects like her froggie or her brush, or her bottle, she knows what I am talking about. She now knows where her toes are and can give me kisses. It's amazing how suddenly she has evolved into a toddler. And, it's daunting -- don't blink because you *will* miss something.

I also got to spend some me-time while we were away. I left Sofia with her grandparents (my hubbie had already come back home to CA) and spent the weekend in NYC with my girlfriends from college. What a blast! Not only was it fantastic to shed the mommy/wife roles for a little while and be just a single girl again, but it was so wonderful to re-connect with five amazing friends. These women are all so special in their own ways. They're lawyers, execs, moms, wives, living in Boston, NY, Austin, and Nashville. Here we are 10+ years removed from college, living such different lives and yet when we all come together, it's as if no time has passed at all. We fall into the same comfortable roles we all had when we were 18 years old. Of course the weekend went too quickly, and I am looking forward to another reunion weekend within the next year.

After ten days, Sofia and I finally made it home. She wasn't bad on the plane, but I swear, I will never travel cross-country with daughter and sans husband again. It was just too much work! Try keeping a curious, cranky 11-month old who will not nap occupied in coach for 5+ hours. Arrghh!

So, we finally get home, and I am already to get settled in to my new life and new routine when Sofia develops a fever. Not just any fever, but a HIGH fever -- we're talking more than 104 degrees. If that doesn't shake up a relatively new parent I don't know what will. The heat was just radiating from her and she was soaking both herself and me with her sweat. And there was nothing I could do except just keep her on baby Motrin. I think I have never felt so helpless as a parent. Fortunately, she seems to be on the mend. The fever has broken, and she's just slightly cranky. Welcome to Stay-Home-Momhood, I guess.

T-4 and Counting...

Today was the first day of my last week of work -- just four days left. It's finally hitting me now that I am leaving. I am beginning to get a little nostalgic about the things that I am leaving behind -- comraderie, an amazing set of colleagues, a collegial atmosphere, free food. And I am thinking about all I've built here and wondering what will happen to my work once I've left. Will I leave a legacy, or will my efforts be forgotten and wasted? Of course, there is a lot of bullshit and angst that I won't miss either. As I sit in meetings and listen to folks puzzle out different issues, I think to myself, "That's an interesting problem *you* have." Starting next week, my biggest issues are going to be naptimes and getting Sofia (my daughter) not to throw her bottle.

So, Sofia has started a couple of new behaviors that I am hoping are just part of a veerrry temporary phase. First, she has started screaming at the tops of her lungs when she wants (or doesn't want) something. Yikes! It's ear-splitting. We're actually taking a cross-country flight at the end of the week and I am praying that she doesn't decide to practice this new skill during the flight. I just know I am going to be one of those harried parents of a screaming baby that I used to shoot dirty looks at in my pre-parent days. Oh, paybacks are a bitch.

And her second very endearing behavior is her refusal to eat what I give her. This is a child who used to Hoover up whatever I gave her -- and I gave her some nasty stuff (pureed broccoli, oatmeal, and tofu anyone?) Now, she's literally pushing my hand away when I try to feed her. I think she wants to feed herself, but she's not really adept at grasping the spoon yet. So, instead of ending up in her mouth, the food lands all over her shirt, in her hair, up her nose, in her ears, etc. Combine that with the blood-curdling screams and you can see what mealtimes have devolved to. Actually, it's not that different from work. Hell, maybe I should stay at work -- at least I get paid! :)

Quack. Quack.

Well, here it is, the first post of my new blog. I am officially eight days away from being a SAHM (Stay-At-Home-Mom to the uninitiated). Here I sit at my desk at work trying to wrap up the loose ends and projects that I'll be passing on to other members of my team. In reality, there isn't much left for me to do anymore -- I've been handing off assignments for a couple of weeks now and not taking on new ones. So, while I have a few hours of work to do each day, I definitely don't have enough to fill up a full work day. I am officially on "lame duck" status. Quack. Quack.

Yesterday I skipped out early to go shopping at Anthropologie. As luck would have it, they were having a sale. So, of course I proceeded to buy $600 worth of sale (and some non-sale) items. Yikes. Not sure how I managed that. Now that I am going to be among the unemployed, I am going to have to pare down the intensity and frequency of my little shopping trips.

It's a little weird to think of myself without a regular paycheck. I've been getting paychecks since I was 16 years old. Hell, over summer vacations in college I often juggled two, sometimes three jobs. I worked all through graduate school, too. And here I am at 34 years old with a kid and two mortgages about to divest myself of a paycheck. I've never really felt guilty about how much money I spend since I have always earned my own money. But, now I'll be spending the money my husband earns. Weird. I wonder if I'll get an allowance?!? Hah!

Honestly, though, I have been pretty lucky. I work for a well-known dotcom company that has afforded me the opportunity to do this. My husband and I have been fortunate enough that we can realize the plans that we created when we first got engaged -- to be able to afford to live on one income while one of us stayed home to raise our kid(s). Okay, a lot of it was luck, but at the risk of ringing my own bell, I have to say that I've also worked my ass off to get to this point. I don't want to mention the company's name while I am still working here, but it at times has sucked the very life out of me. It's an amazing place that folks read about in the press all the time -- the perks are not to be rivaled. But, the place takes its pound of flesh in return. Before my daughter was born, I worked long hours, worked at home during the evenings, worked on weekends -- basically the typical dotcom Silicon Valley lifestyle. Once I came back to work after maternity leave, the schedule was even worse as I tried to divide my days among two jobs: motherhood and corporate.

But, I don't have to cover all the ground now. I guess I'll have some time to expound on my experiences as a working mom. In the meantime, I'll go back to my email and try to kill time before I can reasonably leave for the day. Quack. Quack.